


You Never Lost Me

by East02End



Category: EastEnders
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-28
Updated: 2019-12-28
Packaged: 2021-02-18 07:48:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21990721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/East02End/pseuds/East02End
Summary: This is basically my take on the spoilers where Ben is shocked when Callum walks into the car lot.Basically, Stuart is trying to get them talking without them both knowing.
Relationships: Ben Mitchell/Callum Highway, Ben Mitchell/Stuart Highway, Stuart Highway/Callum Highway, Stuart Highway/Rainie Branning
Comments: 3
Kudos: 80
Collections: Ballum





	You Never Lost Me

“Does Ben know Callum’s back?”

“I don’t know, Stuart, ask him. Have you seen Ben, since he last broke your heart?”

“I just don’t want him getting hurt again, Rainie.”

“I know you don’t. I’d just leave it Stu, you can’t go forcing them to get back together, it needs to be Callum’s decision. He obviously knows Ben’s still here and he hasn’t spoken to him since he’s been back, so he clearly doesn’t want to talk to him or see him.”

“You know I still don’t like Ben that much. I knew this would happen. I did warn Callum, before he got involved. Ben would hurt him in the end. I don’t like him, but Callum loves him. Anyone can see that. He just works and then shuts himself back in the flat. Ben wouldn’t have had the chance to see him.”

“Just leave ‘em eh?”

“Has he ever said to you he loves Ben?”

“No, why would he randomly tell me that he loves Ben. You know he does Stu, just let it take its course and see where it goes.”

“Hmm. Callum’s so miserable though.”

“That’s because the man he loves broke his heart and crushed him. He’ll work through it, in time.”

Rainie looked at Stuart, deep in thought. 

“Stuart!”

“What? I’m not gonna do anything!”

Callum walked in from the other room, squinting at them. 

“What you two whispering about?”

“Erm, what were ‘avin for lunch. We’re not whispering are we? Besides, don’t wanna wake the dead people do we?”

Callum frowned at Stuart. 

“I’m pretty sure they can’t hear you.”

“Oh well, it’s better to safe than sorry, you’ll be terrified if they came to haunt you.”

Callum shook his head and went back into the office area, shutting the door and shutting anyone out. 

“See? Miserable.”

“Leave him, trust me. Just do some work to keep you busy, you’ll be coming up with all sorts of ideas, if you sit here.” Rainie kissed Stuart on his head before getting up and leaving the funeral parlour. 

“You know what I need?”

“What do you need Stuart?” Callum rolled his eyes, as Stuart came bursting into the office. 

“A van.”

“A van? What do you need one of those for?”

“Or a car.”

“Why? Stuart!”

“God, Callum, you’ve got such a short temper on you now a days. For here. I can’t go on house visits, like you, cos I haven’t got a vehicle ‘av I?”

“I am not angry, your just annoying. Go to the car lot then, Jay’ll give you a good deal.”

Stuart looked at Callum, running his hands through his hair. He looked agitated. He didn’t even mention Ben might be there. 

“I never said you were angry, you just said that yourself.”

“Just go away Stuart and go buy a car!”

“Alright! No need to bite my head off. I’m going!”

Stuart walked into the car lot to find Ben with his head on the table. Ben lifted his head up and rolled his eyes. 

“What do you want Stuart? I’m surprised you’ve not already tried to punch my lights out.”

Ben opened his arms up to Stuart. 

“Go on, then, that’s why your here innit. Do your worst.”

“I’m not gonna hit you Ben. Much as I’d love to, I’m here for a different reason. Jay in?”

“Oh. On his lunch, won’t be back til later.” Ben slumped back down in the chair, spinning round and round in the chair. Stuart frowned at him, it’s like Ben wanted him to hit him. 

“What you doing? Have you been drinking?” He didn’t need an answer, there was a six pack of beer lying on the side, all of them gone. 

“Tryna make myself dizzy.”

“Why would anyone, want to feel dizzy.”

“Because I’ve got nothing else better to do Stuart, just tell me what you want or go away.”

“It’s like you enjoy feeling pain.” Ben stopped the chair and looked at Stuart, opening his mouth like he was going to say something, but shook his head and spun around again. 

“Actually, I’ll come back later, you’ve not got what I’m looking for anyway.”

He stood there watching Ben for a while, spinning around in the chair. 

“Go on then, go away Stuart and stop staring at me, or you’ll be the one getting hit in a minute.” He stopped his chair again, scrunching his eyes shut, waiting for the dizziness to subside, before glaring at Stuart.

“I’ll never know what Callum saw in you.”

“Me neither, guess none of us will know, now that he’s gone. Now fuck off, or I’ll shove you through that door myself.”

Stuart got to the door and opened it.

“You were right by the way. I did ruin him. He’s better off without me. He’s got outta here, while he could. Should have listened to you and steered clear of him.”

Stuart didn’t say anything, he just shut the door, Ben starting to spin round and round in his chair again., a thought forming in Stuart‘s head. 

“Did Jay sell you a car?” Callum looked up as Stuart walked in. 

“Naaah, no one was there. There was a sign on the door. ‘Back in five, Jay.’ It was locked.” He lied.

“Oh, there’s usually someone there.”

“Can you go for me?”

“Can’t you just go later, I’ve got loads to do.”

“Argh, but I’ve just walked over there and back.”

“It’s literally across the street, Stu. It not a marathon.”

“Please.”

“Fine! I’ll go after I’ve done this, Jay should be back by then.”

“Cheers, your a star.”

“Hmm, just cos you can’t be arsed to walk yourself.”

“You love me really.”

Callum knocked on the car lot door and opened it anyway, expecting to find Jay. Ben didn’t notice him at first, he was still spinning in his chair. He stopped suddenly when he saw Callum standing there. 

“Callum! Didn’t think you were coming back.” 

Callum felt like he was going to be sick. He hadn’t seen Ben at all, since he returned. He’d been back for days already. He saw the way Ben’s eyes lit up when he spotted him. All these emotions came flooding back, which he’d tried to get rid of when he was away.

All he could hear was Ben’s voice in his head though. 

‘I don’t want your love. I don’t love you.’

“I’ll come back when Jay’s here.” He spun around and opened the door. 

“Wait, wait.” Ben rushed over to the door and put his hand against it, closing it gently. 

“Don’t Ben. Just let me go.”

Ben closed his eyes, Callum’s voice washing over him. He wanted to hear his voice for so long. 

“Callum, please. I just want to see you.” He took his hand away from the door anyway and stood back for Callum to leave, watching the back of Callum. 

“You’ve seen me, I’m back, you don’t need to know anything else.”

Callum opened the door and squeezed his eyes shut, his head screaming at him to leave and come back when Jay was here. 

“I just want to know how you’ve been.”

“I’m fine.” He still didn’t turn around. It’s like his feet were glued to the floor, trying make himself leave, but couldn’t. 

“Don’t... go.” Ben managed to choke out. He couldn’t just let Callum leave, he hadn’t even really saw him yet. Callum was just standing with his back to him. 

The room was silent, you could have heard a pin drop. Callum sighed and cursed himself for doing this, but clicked the door shut again. 

Ben looked up when heard the door, he thought that Callum might have gone. But he was still standing there. He thought was dreaming. 

“What do you want Ben?”

“Honestly? You know what I want Callum.”

“That’s the thing Ben, I don’t.”

Callum turned around, and looked at the floor. Ben thought he was going to faint. He hadn’t properly seen his face since Christmas Eve. He looked... ill. He looked tired, like he hadn’t slept for weeks. Ben’s heart broke, to see that he was the reason for that. He still thought he looked beautiful anyway. He just wanted to hold him and hug and tell him how sorry he was, he just couldn’t find the words in his head. 

“Cal, look-“

“Don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

“Call me that anymore.”

“Cal?”

“Yes Ben. That.”

“Why? I’ve always called you that.”

“Precisely. I don’t want you to anymore. Your the only person to call me that, even Whit never called me that when we were together or Stuart. Just you.”

“Oh. Just Callum then.” He didn’t know that he was the only one who called him that. It probably hurt Callum even more, making Ben even more annoyed at himself for hurting him so much. 

“What do you want Ben? Because if your not gonna say anything I’ll go and come back later when Jay’s here.”

Ben stood there concentrating on his breathing, trying to slow it down. Before he knew what he was doing, he reached out and lifted Callum’s chin, forcing him to look at him. Ben looked right at Callum, Callum looking back for what felt like a lifetime, but must have only been a few moments. His eyes didn’t shine like they used to, they looked almost dull. Ben frowned as Callum flinched under his touch, moving his head to the side, so he wasn’t touching Ben anymore. 

Ben dropped his hand, away from Callum. 

“I’m sorry, I just... needed... to look at you.”

“Well, now you have.”

“Look, Cal, Callum, sorry. I just want to know how you’ve been.” 

“I already told you, I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine.”

“Yeah, well, that’s what happens when someone rips your heart out.”

“I’m sorry.” He whispered. 

Callum snapped his head up to look at Ben. 

“But are you Ben? Really? You didn’t seem to care when you said you don’t want me to love you, and you didn’t love me back.”

Callum threw himself down in the middle of the sofa. 

Ben sat down next to Callum, Callum moving and sitting on the edge of the sofa, being as far away as Ben as he could. Callum didn’t know what he’d do if he was too close to him. He didn’t know if just wanted to punch him or whether he just needed to hug him and hope that everything would be okay, even though it wasn’t.

“I’m sorry.” He repeated. 

“I know you keep saying, but it’s not getting us anywhere, is it?”

“I... had to.”

“No, Ben, you didn’t HAVE to, it was YOUR choice. I already said you could have told me anything and I still would have loved you, because I did love you, but you shut me out. AGAIN. 

“Did? You don’t anymore? I don’t blame you, the way I treated you.”

Callum didn’t say anything, he just looked at his hands in his lap. He was afraid of what he’d say, if he spoke about him loving Ben. He changed the subject back to Ben. 

“I know what it was all about, anyway. Tell me this, why would I need protecting from Sharon having an affair with Keanu?”

Ben looked up at Callum. He could see the fire and anger in Callum’s eyes. 

“Because things were gonna get messy and I didn’t want you getting involved in the bad stuff, it didn’t work out anyway.”

“What didn’t work out, Ben! Your not making any sense. Nobody’s heard from Keanu. What have you done to him?”

“Callum! I didn’t do anything! Why am I always the bad guy? I thought you understood me, I’m not always like that.”

“Yeah well, I thought I knew you too, but I’m not so sure anymore...”

“You do know me!”

Ben turned to face Callum pulling Callum around so he was facing him.

“Do I?” Callum looked up at Ben, he looked broken. 

“Yes! I swear to you, I haven’t done anything to Keanu. He’s definitely alive, I know it.”

“How do you know that, if you’ve not done anything to him.”

“I haven’t! You’ve got to believe me!”

Ben faced away from Callum again, looking down at his knees. 

“Phil... wanted me to ‘sort it’...”

“What’s that supposed to mean! Is he alive? Dead even? I mean, it’s not like Phil’s gonna hand you a gun and tell you to end him.”

Ben didn’t say anything just carried on looking at his knees.

“Oh my god... he did didn’t he? Don’t tell me you’ve...” Callum stood up, pacing, running his hands through his hair. 

Ben stood up and turned Callum to him, holding his arms down by his side. He didn’t move away this time, but was shaking.

“No! He’s alive. I swear to you, he’s fine. Please, Callum, you’ve got to believe me.”

Callum looked into Ben’s eyes for any indication that he was lying. No one could be sure he wasn’t lying, but Callum knew he was telling him the truth. 

“Where is he? Nobody’s heard anything. What, you keeping him hostage somewhere, locked up, for the rest of his life!”

“Erm, it’s a long story.”

“Just tell me, Ben and stop avoiding it like you always do.”

Callum threw himself back down onto the sofa and sighed, letting out a shaky breath. Ben sat next to him, wringing his hands together nervously. Callum didn’t move away this time, but still wouldn’t look at him. 

“Erm, Phil wanted me to ‘sort it’. I was so close to pulling that trigger...”

Callum looked up at him slightly, watching as Ben rubbed his hands along the front of his jeans. 

“But then, all I could think of...”

“What? Ben? Did Keanu get out before you had a chance to kill him!”

“No! I was just standing there with this gun and all I could see was...”

“What Ben, just tell me!”

“You.”

“Me? What I have got to do with you holding a gun to someone’s head?”

“I was so close, like this close. Only a bit more pressure on that trigger and it would’ve been all over...”

“How could I have stopped you, when I wasn’t even here?”

“I kept seeing you in my head, Callum. Thinking about what you would think of me if I did do it. What you’d say. Well, you wouldn’t say anything, you’d not even speak to me. And I don’t think I could live with myself. And I couldn’t live with myself knowing what I’d done every time I saw you.”

Callum looked at Ben, tears slipping down his cheeks. Ben wiped them away, roughly. It was pointless, more slipping down anyway. 

“It was just me and your voice in my head, telling me if this is what I really want or is it what Phil wants. I mean he’s Peggy’s dad. I wouldn’t be able to look Peggy in the eye, when she’s older, wondering where her dad is, when I knew exactly what would have happened. He’d have been dead.”

Ben buried his head in his hands, trying to control his breathing, coming in fast shallow breaths. 

“I couldn’t do it.” He choked out. Callum watched as Ben cried into his hands. Before he knew what he was doing, he pulled Ben to him, Ben burying his head into Callum’s chest, sobbing uncontrollably. He stroked the back of Ben’s head, soothing him, rocking them both slightly. 

They stayed like that for ages, Callum wrapping his arms around Ben, as he cried into Callum. He rubbed his hands up and down Ben’s back, trying to calm him down. 

“I didn’t kill him Callum!” He whined, still crying, clutching Callum’s shirt. 

“Sssh, I know.” He buried his nose into Ben’s hair, kissing his head slightly, going unnoticed by Ben. 

Ben lifted his head up to look at Callum, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. 

“You believe me?” 

“Yeah, I do.” He took his arms from around Ben again, not knowing that he was leaving Ben a little disappointed. Callum wrung his hands together, not quite sure what to do with them. 

“I couldn’t do it Callum cos I didn’t want you to hate me. Bit late for that now, isn’t it?”

“I don’t hate you Ben. I’ve tried to, believe me, but I can’t.”

“Do you really believe me?”

“Course I do. I know you act like your this bad guy, but I know your not like that really. I don’t think I really believed you’d kill him anyway, I was just tryna process it all.”

“Erm, I might not have killed him, but I did send him packing. Told him to get on the first flight and never come back. Did give him five grand though.”

“I probably would have gave him nothing. What did Phil say? Bet he weren’t too pleased about it.”

Ben smiled to himself, Callum was actually talking to him normally, like he used too.

“He doesn’t know.”

“He doesn’t know what happened? Or he’s left?”

“Anything. I just told him I’d sorted it.”

“So he thinks, you’ve killed him?”

“Probably. I couldn’t tell him.”

“Why?”

“Because he wants him dead Callum! When I told him, he looked... proud. Like I’d finally done something he’d asked.”

“Proud?! That you’ve just killed someone. That’s sick!”

“Yeah, well, it’s hard to please Phil. He told me and Lou that we’re the only ones he could trust. He’s never said that to me!”

“Why do you want to please him Ben!”

“Because he’s my dad, Callum!”

“You said to me once that Jonno wasn’t my dad, he was just someone who got my mum pregnant! So why won’t you listen to yourself Ben! You should get him to do his own dirty work, if he wants Keanu dead, do it himself! I mean, how low can you get, trying to get your son to kill someone.”

Callum looked up at Ben, he had his head in hands again, running his hands through his hair. 

“Ben, you can’t keep looking for Phil’s approval all your life. Just look at me, I’d tried pleasing Jonno for years, denying I was gay, but YOU helped me Ben. Told me I shouldn’t be ashamed. I’m finally rid of him. I don’t mean you have to be rid of Phil, but I just think, that you should maybe take some of your own advice and use it.”

“Why are you being so nice to me? You probably hate me right now.”

“I don’t hate you Ben. I’ve just said that.”

“Wouldn’t be surprised if you did.”

“Why tell me one thing, then do another! You don’t take any of your own advice, you’d given me! Your not listening to me Ben.”

“I hate me.” He whispered. 

“Why?”

“Because I’m a rubbish son. Because I hurt you. Again. Because I can’t even get anything right. Because I always end up ruining someone’s life. I wrecked Whitney when you came out, I’ve ruined you, I’ve ruined Keanu’s life. I’m a rubbish boyfriend. Paul got killed because of me and your not even my boyfriend anymore because I pushed you away, when all I wanted to do was to protect you. I’m a horrible person. I’m terrible and useless.”

“Your not a rubbish son. You probably would kill someone if Phil asked you too, just so he’d be proud of you, if it weren’t for me in your head. You didn’t ruin Whit’s life. Nobody has. She’s my friend still and it’s not your fault that I’m gay is it? And you haven’t ruined Keanu’s life either. You have literally just saved his life. At least he’s still out there, living. Your not a horrible, terrible, useless person at all. I know you do care in your own way. Your kind and caring in your own weird way.”

Ben finally looked up to see Callum offering him a small smile. 

“I do care about you Cal...”

Ben smiled back at him, Callum not saying anything about him calling him Cal again. 

“You hurt me Ben. A lot.”

“You’ve got to understand what a terrible mistake I made. I’m sorry.”

Ben looked up at Callum. He don’t think he even heard him saying that. He just stared at his knees and carried on talking. 

“I finally opened up to you and yes I was scared about what you’d say, but I thought you loved me too, so I said it and you just ripped my heart out and left me... alone.”

“I wanted you to stay on Christmas Eve...”

Callum snapped his head up, anger clouding his eyes. 

“You didn’t want me to stay at all!! I asked whether I should bother coming back and you shut me down. Like you always do. I don’t know why your so guarded all the time.”

“I always have been Callum! I’m not gonna change overnight.”

“I just want you to let me in!”

“I have! You know I’ve been trying. I went legit and still am. It kills me everytime you look at me like that!”

“Like what?!”

“I don’t know! Like you hate me. And I know you’ve just said you don’t, but I can’t help feeling like you do. I let you go because I swore to myself that I wouldn’t ruin you and I already have! You decked that Leo and got arrested because of me!”

“Let me go! You didn’t just let me go. I told you I loved you and you walked out! Letting go sounds to me like letting someone down gently! You certainly didn’t do that. You left me alone outside and you just... walked away, like I didn’t matter to you. I did that to Leo because he was stalking Whit, not because of you! How did know about that anyway?”

“Everyone knows Callum, talk of the square you are.” He smiled to himself, but Callum still wouldn’t look at him. 

Ben pulled Callum around and looked straight at him. He didn’t know whether to, but reached up and held Callum’s face in his hands, forcing Callum to look him in the eye. He didn’t flinch this time. 

“You are the most loving and caring and amazing person. You are such a laid back person, literally in the whole square, who couldn’t hurt a fly. And then you go and try and punch the life out of Leo! I won’t let you turn into me!”

Callum pulled Ben’s hands off his face, looking at their hands together for a few moments longer before letting them go. 

“I’m not turning into anything, Ben! Yes, I was already angry, but it was MY choice to do that that Leo, because he was hurting Whit and I couldn’t just stand by and do nothing!”

“You didn’t have to try and kill him!”

“Kill him?! I punched him twice Ben, that’s not trying to kill him!”

“And if Jack hadn’t have been there and arrested you??”

“Oh, like I would have killed him Ben!”

“You don’t know that! What if you just saw him and carried on punching!”

“I didn’t though! I wasn’t the one who held a gun to a man’s head, Ben!” He shouted back at him. He watched Ben flinch and instantly felt sorry. He stood up again, pacing. He just needed to do something. 

“I can’t...” 

Callum turned back around, watching Ben with his head in his hands again. 

“I can’t... lose you.”

“Why are you gonna lose me?”

“I can’t lose you...” He looked up at Callum, Callum seeing the tears sliding down Ben’s face. 

“If you’d got sent to prison or didn’t come back from where you’ve been staying...”

Callum stopped pacing, closing his eyes, trying to slow his breathing down, running his hands through his hair. 

“I can’t lose you...” He whispered again. 

“Just stop saying...” Callum shouted. “Stop saying that...” He whispered this time. He pressed his back against the wall, resting his head against it, sliding down the wall, so he was sitting on the floor. 

“It’s true. I felt... lost with out you Callum. Every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was your face when I told you I didn’t love you. I know I broke your heart. But I thought I was doing it for you... to protect you.” 

Ben wiped away his tears, sitting slumped on the sofa. They were both whispering now, both too drained to be shouting at each other.

“I don’t need protecting...”

“I know! I just didn’t want you getting involved in everything that was happening. My head told me to keep you away from it all, that’s why I didn’t say what you wanted me to say when you asked if you should ever come back. But my heart was screaming at me to stop you from leaving, but then Phil called and it just made me more determined to get you out of here.”

“It should have been my choice, Ben...”

“I know that now, but I just couldn’t see you getting hurt in all this.”

Ben crossed the room and fell down next to Callum. 

“You’ve got to understand why I did it. And you’ve got to know that I regret everything I said and did to you. I’m so sorry Cal...”

Ben looked at Callum’s hand resting on the floor before looking back up at him. 

“It’s not some fairytale Ben, where everything will be fine and everyone will live happily ever after.” He whispered, still not looking at him. 

“I know that. I just CAN’T lose you. Not again...”

Ben slowly wrapped his fingers around Callum’s hand, hooking them in his own. He expected Callum to take his own hand back again, but Callum just looked at them both together and curled his fingers around Ben’s hand. 

“You never lost me in the first place...”

“It felt like I did. I didn’t know if you were ever gonna come back.”

“Course I would have come back. This is where I live. It’s my home. I couldn’t just leave because you lived here.”

“You don’t know how much I hated myself after you’d left. And I couldn’t come and find you cos I didn’t know where you’d gone.”

“You would have come and found me?” He finally lifted his head looking at Ben. 

Ben squeezed Callum’s hand in his, offering him a small smile. Callum just looked back at Ben, searching his eyes. 

“Yeah, I would have. Because I couldn’t live with myself knowing I’d hurt you and you were somewhere out there hurting some more.”

“I do by the way, I didn’t mean it earlier when I said I did. I do.”

“Do what?”

“I still love you...”

“You do?” Callum looked at Ben another tear slipping down his cheek. “Didn’t think I’d ever hear you say that again.”

“Yeah, well, I couldn’t just forget you when I was away, could I? I tried, trust me, tried to forget what you’d said to me, but even if I kept hearing your voice in my head, I still can’t help how I feel about you.”

“You do know how sorry am I don’t you. I just want everything to go back to how they used to be.”

“Maybe they can, but it’s gonna take time.”

“I know. I love you too much to see you hurting anymore.”

Callum snapped his head up and looked at Ben.

“What?”

“I love you too.”

“What?” Ben laughed as he looked at Callum’s face. 

“I’ve loved you for months Callum. I think I’ve loved you from the start. You were right on Christmas Eve... I was scared. And a coward.”

“I didn’t mean that...”

“But it’s true. I pushed you away because I was too scared to admit how I felt about you. I was scared because I’ve never felt so much for someone before and scares me a hell of a lot that I care about you so much. No, that I love you so much.”

Callum wiped away a tear on Ben’s cheek with his thumb, Ben smiling gratefully back at him. 

“I wouldn’t have just left you and moved away. I don’t think I would have been able to not see you again.”

“I realised that I was wrong to push you away. I just wanted you to come back. And I do want your love. That’s all I ever want...”

Callum pulled Ben into a hug, Ben burying his head into Callum’s neck.

“That’s all that I wanted too. And I was telling you the truth.”

He lifted Ben’s head up, holding his face in his hands and looking into his eyes. 

“What I said was the truth. I would have been anywhere you were because I love you and want to help you. I still will be anywhere you are because my home is wherever you are. And I don’t want us to be living in different worlds, I want to live in the same world as you. Together. I don’t care what you’ve done in the past or have done now, because I love you and I would do anything for you, no matter what you’ve done.”

“Can we start again?” He whispered. “I don’t think I can lose you again...” He buried his head in Callum’s neck again, sobbing. 

“Oh Ben, your not gonna lose me. Don’t cry again, we’re gonna get through this. Together.”

“But you can’t trust me now! You’ll probably never look at me the same way again...”

“I do! I’ve never stopped trusting you.”

Callum lifted Ben’s head up looking straight into his eyes, shining with unshed tears. 

“I’m not gonna see you any differently than before. In fact it makes me love you more because at least you care now. I know you did before, but I didn’t think you did last time. I’m going to look at you the same way, because your going to be the same annoying Ben Mitchell that you were before.”

Callum smiled as Ben laughed weakly, sniffling slightly. 

“I know it sounds weird but I love it when you annoy me because you wouldn’t be the same if you didn’t.”

“But I annoyed you on Christmas Eve...”

“That was different Ben, you hurt me then not annoyed me. Well I was annoyed but I meant being annoying and leaving the TV on when you go to bed or leaving your clothes everywhere, I always put them back and they always seem to make their way back across the room.”

“I leave the TV on?”

Callum smiled at Ben, attempting to dry his eyes with his thumbs. 

“Sometimes. I think your that tired, you just drag yourself to bed and leave it on. I came back once after I went to see Whit, you’d gone to bed and left it on. It was like one in the morning so you were probably that tired you forgot.”

“I think I remember that day, I’d gone to see Lex, but got back before you did.”

“Basically, what I’m trying to say is, it’s the little things that I love. Your not gonna lose me, okay?”

Ben nodded and rested his head on Callum’s shoulder breathing in his scent. 

“I missed you...”

“I missed you too Ben.”

“I missed seeing you everyday and you being there smiling at me. I missed hugging you. I missed everything that I did with you, Cal.”

He stroked the back of Ben’s hair, trying to soothe him. 

“I should be the one grovelling to you, but here you are holding me.” Ben continued.

“That’s because I don’t like seeing you sad. You always have storm clouds over your head. You think the world is such a dark place, but it’s not. It might seem bad but there’s always light above them waiting for the clouds to part. In the darkest of times there will always be a light. You just need to see that light, Ben. Your not a bad person, I know you aren’t. I see the good in you, so why can’t you see it in yourself?”

“I think that your the light, Cal.”

“I didn’t mean me. I just think you should have a bit of faith in yourself.”

“You are Cal, you make me a better person. I don’t know what I’d do without you, I can’t lose you ever again.”

Callum lifted Ben’s head up again and held his face in his hands. 

“I’m not going anywhere, okay? You need to understand that you not going to lose me.”

“Why are you being so nice to me? “

“Because I LOVE YOU. And I know that all this business with Keanu wasn’t all down to you. You just work yourself up so much to please Phil, that your upsetting yourself.”

Callum rested his head against Ben’s closing his eyes. 

“I love you Ben, so much.” He whispered. He stroked his thumbs across Ben’s face slowly. 

“I love you Cal, more than anything in the world...” 

Callum smiled to himself. He’d wanted Ben to say that for so long. 

They lifted their heads, opening their eyes. They looked at each other for what felt like a lifetime, Callum still holding and stroking Ben’s face. Callum leaned down slowly meeting Ben’s mouth with his own, Ben’s hands drifting to the back of Callum’s neck. One kiss filled with so much love and warmth. 

Ben smiled at Callum as they broke apart, he still had his eyes closed. 

“Cal? You okay?”

Callum finally opened his eyes, smiling at Ben. 

“Erm, yeah.”

Ben smiled back at Callum, gently stroking the back of his neck, Callum still holding his face. 

“I want us to start over, Cal. I’m gonna do everything in my power to make it all up to you. I just want you to be happy. I want us to start from the start. Like everything. Besides we haven’t been on a date for a while.” He grinned. 

“Are you asking me out on a date?” Callum grinned back at him. 

“Depends what your answers gonna be?”

“I might just take you up on that.”

“We’ll go as slow as you want.”

Callum nodded. Ben knew it would take time for Callum to properly trust him again. 

“I promise I’ll try and let you in. It’s hard sometimes, I just wanted to protect you.”

“I know. But I’m here for you, you know I am.” Callum stroked along Ben’s jaw gently. 

“I know you are. Can we take it slow but still say I love you? Because if we’re in an honest mood, I really need to say it to you. Make up for all the weeks we’ve missed together that I should have been telling you.”

Callum grinned at Ben.

“Yeah, I’d like that.” Callum smiled at Ben stroking his jaw and across his lips a few more times before standing up and offering his hands to Ben. 

Ben grinned at him and pulled himself up still holding both of Callum’s hands in his hands. Ben squeezed Callum’s hands before dropping them. 

“Wait, wait.” He grinned at Callum before dashing to the car lot door. 

“Where you going?” 

Ben walked out the door and closed leaving Callum alone. 

Callum sat on the sofa but looked up as Ben walked back in a few seconds later. 

“What you doing Ben?” 

Ben walked up to him offering him his hand. 

“Good day kind sir, I’m Ben Mitchell and I’ve never met you before you, but I already know that I love you more anything in the whole world.”

Callum grinned at Ben shaking his hand and pulling him down to sit next to him. 

“Good afternoon Mr Mitchell, I’m Callum Highway and I know that I love you too and I reckon...” 

He held Ben face in his hands, stroking again. 

“That I’ll love you forever.”

Ben smiled at him, Callum squinting at Ben grinning. 

“What?”

“Just working you out. I think that your the kind of guy, that leaves the TV on when your tired. Oo, and I bet you leave your clothes all on the bedroom floor.”

Ben gasped sarcastically, grinning back at him. 

“How did you know that?!”

“I know these things...” He grinned as he pulled Ben’s mouth to his and kissed him lightly. “Such a mystery...” He kissed him again before pulling away to look at Ben. 

“Thought we were meant to be taking this slow.” Ben said to him. 

“I am!” 

Ben locked eyes with Callum both looking straight at each other. It felt like a lifetime that they were staring at each other. 

It took Ben a few seconds to respond, as Callum grabbed the side of his face, crashing their mouths together. Callum gripped the back of Ben’s neck pulling him further into his mouth, kissing him deeper and harder, with an urgency to taste Ben some more. Ben let out a shaky moan into Callum’s mouth as he tried to catch his breath.

Callum broke apart to catch his breath, grinning as he saw Ben fluttering his eyes shut, bliss written across his face. He kissed Ben again multiple times, light but insistent, swiftly intensifying his kisses again, not being able to get enough of Ben. He slipped his tongue into Ben’s mouth, gentle but demanding, another moan escaping from Ben. 

Ben buried his hands into Callum’s hair, bunching his fists together so he gripped onto his hair. He could hear both of the hearts racing as their breathing became faster and more rapid. Ben suddenly understood what it felt like when people describe kissing as melting, he felt his whole body dissolve into Callum’s. He’s never wanted anyone as much as he needed Callum before. He felt Callum pushing him back against the sofa, the weight of his body feeling amazing as Callum melted into Ben, pressing against him.

Ben took his hands from Callum’s face and ran them up his shirt feeling his warm skin, making Callum moan. Callum buried his head in Ben’s neck, kissing and licking. Ben inhaled and smiled, smelling his aftershave and shampoo and the unique smell that was just him. 

“I love you.” He whispered into Callum’s neck.

Callum grinned and pressed more kisses onto Ben’s neck, those words making him become more insistent. Ben let out little moans and squeaks when Callum kissed and licked the right spot, driving Ben crazy. Callum slid his hands up Ben’s shirt making him shiver under his touch. It felt like electric every time Callum touched him. 

Ben flipped Callum around so he was sitting on him, wrapping his legs around Callum’s waist. 

“You sure you wanna do this? I said we can go as slow as you want.”

“Yeah, I want you Ben. I don’t need to go any slower to know that. I love you and I’ll always need you. I just want things to go back to how they were before.”

“They will be.” He leaned down running his hands up Callum’s shirt and kissed him gently. “I promise...” He murmured onto his lips, kissing him over and over, both of their hands roaming everywhere. 

Ben lay on the sofa with his arm wrapped around Callum, buried in his hair, stroking him gently. They were both breathing heavily lying under a blanket Ben had thrown over them both, their clothes abandoned on the floor nearby. 

“That was amazing. Something I definitely missed when I was away.” Callum told him. 

Ben grinned at him, tracing his other hand up and down Callum’s bare side. 

“Me too. I missed just you mostly though.”

Callum smiled clutching Ben’s hand that was stroking his side. 

“I did miss you too. Couldn’t just forget about you could I?”

“Me neither. I thought about you all the time, cursing myself for how I treated you. I’m never gonna do that to you again. I don’t ever want to see the way your heart broke when I walked away. It killed me, you know, every step I took, I just wanted to turn around and come back to you. I really am sorry for everything you know.”

“I know you are.” Callum let go of Ben’s hand, tracing his hand up and down Ben’s side instead. 

“Argh, I should have known. How have I only just realised!”

“What?” Ben frowned at Callum as he lifted his head off Ben’s chest to look up at him. 

“Stuart.”

“Eh?”

“Did he come round this morning?”

“Yeah? Why?”

“I knew it! There’s always someone here. You never just shut up to go for lunch.”

“What you on about?”

“He knew your were here, so he got me to come and see you! He told me it was locked and Jay had left a sign on the door, back in five.”

“Why would Stuart make you come here? You’d think he’d try and keep you away from me. He’s always not liked me.”

“He doesn’t not like you, maybe at the start and right now, but all the good stuff in between he did like you. Maybe he could see we we’re both hurting. I mean, I was miserable without you.”

Ben grinned still stroking Callum’s hair. 

“Yeah, same.”

“He told me it was locked and he wanted me to come round and see if he could get a van so he could go on home visits.”

“Take one.”

“Eh? Take what?”

“A van or a car if you want.”

“I can’t just take one Ben, it’s your business, I’m gonna have to pay for it.”

“No, you don’t. Have one. Please.”

“You sure?”

“Course I am. I want you to have one.”

“It did work though.”

“Getting a free car?”

“No! I meant Stuart, making me come here to see you.”

“Oh. Nearly didn’t work when you first came in. You were so close to leaving.”

“Sorry for shouting at you a lot.”

Ben laughed, Callum frowning up at him. 

“What?”

“You apologising for shouting at me when you had every right too. I told you, you care a lot about people.”

“I care a lot about you Ben, not just anyone. Your gonna have to be nice to Stuart now though.”

“I am nice!”

Ben laughed as Callum raised his eyes at him. 

“Most of the time then. It’s not my fault he’s annoying!”

Callum grinned at Ben as he rested his head back on his chest, Ben pulling the blanket up making sure it was covering them both. 

“You know, I brought this blanket in here months ago, when you came in for lunch. Well, when I say lunch, lunch didn’t happen, just a lot of me kissing you and mainly ripping each other’s clothes off.” He stroked Callum’s neck making him slightly sleepy as Ben spoke to him. 

They both smiled at the memory, remembering how they used to be before. 

“I will make it up to you, Cal. I’ll do anything and everything for you.”

“I know you would. I don’t want you to do anything right now though. I just want to lie here with you. I want just you, Ben.”

“I love you Cal.”

Callum grinned as he shuffled up kissing Ben lightly. 

“I love you too Ben.”

Ben smiled at Callum a while later, he had fallen asleep on him, whilst he was still stroking Callum’s neck. Ben gripped onto his other hand, not ever wanting to let it go. He swore to himself that he wouldn’t let Callum go again. Ben couldn’t leave him. It killed him not seeing him everyday. And he made sure he was going to tell him how amazing and beautiful he was everyday and how much he loved him. 

“I can’t lose you ever again...” He whispered. “I love you too much.” He pressed a kiss to the top of Callum’s head, closing his eyes, listening to the sounds of Callum’s breathing until he fell asleep with him.


End file.
